blond wig + Asian kid = major controversy {who knew?}

*** I just want to say that since this is my blog, I'm taking the liberty to write my own personal views on this. I am not a professional, but I am an adult Korean adoptee. And this is my perspective. *** 

So I'm a part of an adoption forum. As with any type of 'group', there are going to be things you like and things you dislike. One of the great things about this forum is that I've met some really super cool people. One of the lame things about the forum is that I've met some pretty lame people as well. 

Recently (as in a couple of days ago) there was this topic of conversation that was brought up by a concerned Mom. Her 5 year old daughter (who's Asian) wants to dress up for Halloween as a princess and wants to wear a blonde wig. The Mom was seeking advice on whether she should let her daughter wear the wig. She realizes that Halloween is just a time to dress up, but she was worried about whether people would 'laugh' at her daughter because she was obviously Asian wearing a wig. (at least this is how I understood the original question). 

The mass majority of people voted for the daughter to wear the wig. 

you'd think that would be the end of it, right?

um.... no. not even close.

Somehow it turned into this huge debate about how if you let your Asian daughter wear a a blonde wig then as a parent you are promoting the 'American Standard of Beauty' and you're telling your child that the only way they can be beautiful is if they have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a big chest. 

Here's the thing. I totally understand that each parent will have their own conviction regarding what kind of costumes they'll let their kids wear, or what toys their kids can play with. But I take real issue when some adoptive parent (who's not an Asian Adoptee) tries to tell ME how Adult Korean Adoptees feel about being raised in a world of 'white privilege'. 

A comment was made that 'when a white child dresses as a minority character, it is not the same as a minority child dressing as a 'white' character because 'white privilege' automatically has the white child dressing 'down' to a minority - thus being deemed 'okay'. 

I know, pretty psycho, right?

There were also some comments made by a person who said they've taken part in billions (yes, she actually said billions) of adoption 'panels' and all she hears from Adult Korean Adoptees are how they were so miserable because everyone was 'white' and Barbie was 'white' and they didn't feel good enough... blah blah blah. 

Here is where I take issue again. Granted, yes, there are Adult Adoptees who had a rough time with being adopted. I get that, and I honestly feel for them, and I truly hope that they are able to find peace about it. But not all Adult Adoptees are like that. I've now met quite a few Korean Adult Adoptees (KADs) and most of them share my perspective. Yes, we may do some things differently than our parents did, or wish our parents did some things differently when we were young, but don't we all? Adopted or not? And I don't know of one angry KAD who wishes they were 'white' or has some identity issue with not being able to be white. 

This same person (who has sat in on the billions of adoption panels) when speaking about how awful it is that all these complaining KADs wish they were white, used the example of KADs saying they wished they had blonde hair as proof to their messed up mentality of wanting to be white. 

okay. HOLD UP.

Here is where I draw the line because I told this same person, during a previous phone conversation that I wished I could have blonde hair. Yes. I totally do. I would LOVE to be a multi-tonal blonde. And I've actually tried to get as close to it as I possibly can (to mix reviews of course - haha!). But I've also had black hair, burgundy hair, red hair, brown hair... 

So I take personal offense to this person trying to use my words to support her distorted views of KADs.

What really bothers me the most about all this, is how her words effect soon-to-be-first-time-parents. She freaks them out. If a parent chooses to 'escort' their child vs traveling to Korea, she basically tells them that they love their child less. If you don't keep your child's Korean name, then you're telling them that they have to change who they are to become your child. The list goes on and on. 

What I want parents of adopted Asian kids to know, is that you just do the best you can. Yes, not all parents are going to have the same views or methods, and that's okay! Don't worry that every little decision you make is going to be the thing that screws your kid up. Love your child, foster a relationship that provides open communication, and answer questions with honesty - even if you don't know the answer - it's okay to say 'I don't know, but lets try and find out.' 

I've really tried to examine my childhood to figure out what it was that my parents did that resulted in me being 'totally cool' with being adopted. And here's what I've come up with: 

1) I was adopted with my sister. I used to not put so much stock in this, but now I'm wondering if because we were always together, if the 'change of environment' wasn't as big of a deal because we still had a 'constant' - each other.

2) My parents have always raised us to believe that while we may not always understand why God does the things he does, He knew that for whatever reason, that we would need parents, and they would need kids. We were meant to be a family. 

3) There was never an emphasis placed on our different ethnicities. This is a tough one to explain. Obviously we knew we looked different, but I never really thought about it. My Mom would always comment on how beautiful my skin was, or my eyes, or my hair, but pointing out our differences wasn't something we focused on. It was more matter of fact, rather than 'empathetic'. Sometimes I get the impression that there is almost too much emphasis put on differences. 

4) My parents were honest when answering our questions. And they let 'kid comments' just be 'kid comments'. Thinking back, I remember when I was young talking to my Mom about how many Grandparents I had. I told her I had 5 sets: my grandparents on my Mom's side, my grandparents on my Dad's side, my grandparents on my birthmom's side, my grandparents on my birthfather's side, and Grandma Holt (Bertha Holt referred to herself as 'Grandma Holt' when I was little and she was still alive). I remembering telling her how it was neat that I had so many more than other people. 

Now, she could have freaked out wondering if I was having issues with being adopted, and maybe I was wanting to feel more connected to my birth family, but she just remained calmed and let me have this childish gloating moment that I had 'more' grandparents than anyone else. And then that moment passed and I didn't think about it again until just recently.

So that brings me to my last point.

5) Don't make everything an 'adoption issue'. Granted - I think you'll know if there's some big red flag waiving - and by all means, seek out what ever resources you need. But just because a 5 year old Asian kid wants to wear a blonde wig as part of her Cinderella costume for Halloween, DOES NOT mean that she is rejecting her ethnic make up  and wants to be 'white'. 

If anything, I'd give her an award for her advanced eye for detail.