Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Natural Consequences

My sister and I always talk about natural consequences. You know, it's the stuff that 'naturally' happens after you make unwise decisions. For instance:

Drink 10 tequila shots
Natural Consequence:
End up on You Tube

Make cupcakes for no reason
Natural Consequence: 
Your clothes shrink 2 sizes

Potty Train your daughter when she doesn't want to
Natural Consequence:
Get psyched out because your daughter goes pee-pee in the potty the first 1/2 day you try it but the next day only does it twice and then gets mad at you. She then poops in her undies 5 minutes after her last 'try' which results in you having to 'cut them off' (yes, with scissors) because you're freaking out that you're going to get poop all over you. And then it doesn't stop there - it happens 2, yes, TWO more times that day - with one of them being 'mommy - there's a piece of poop in the playroom' because it fell out of the undies because they don't make princess undies in size 12-18 months. And then when you think you can't take it anymore, she starts being totally compliant by the end of the night so you think that maybe it's starting to click, but then the next day she has a total melt down the first time she 'tries' because you just stripped off her warm fleece jammies and she's sitting naked on a cold, plastic Dora toilet-seat insert and even the weird skull candies in the plastic beaker-thingy won't calm her down. Skip past the 3 more melt downs and throw on a diaper and head to the doctor's office where said child gets the flu and N1H1 vaccine (and didn't even cry!) and then head up to meet Daddy for lunch. After arriving home from lunch (and complaining to said Daddy) you feel that maybe you over-reacted and decide to put undies back on for the last 30 minutes before said daughter goes down for a nap. And while you're on the phone with  a particular cursed & evil personal training facility (California Peak Fitness - boycott those dirty scoundrels who steal your money and won't do anything about it and will not return phone calls) you realize that there is a nasty stench coming from the living room where you find your daughter standing in front of the TV with DIARRHEA coming down her leg, destroying the cutest, polka-dot wedges that you bought 2 years before she could even fit into them, and the green pants she's wearing are from Gap - so you really don't want to have to take the scissors to those, so you breathe through your mouth (as not to inhale the toxic fumes) and start trying to remove the soiled clothing, only to have poop get all over you because her feet get stuck (should have taken those shoes off first!) and she falls against you. That's when you notice the carpet has 3 stain marks but instead of getting something to start 'lifting' it out, you gab the girl and run to the bathroom where you plop her on the Dora seat and see that a poopy film is covering both her legs. You feel like crying, but instead wash your hands and arms as thoroughly as you can, and after saying 'DON'T MOVE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK' you run and put some wipes on the floor, stepping firmly on the 'spots' hoping that you're doing something remotely close to helping the stain lift while thinking 'this is why we don't have a dog'. After a few more 'steps' on the stain, you get the soiled clothes, throw them in a plastic bag (because you don't want that to touch your other dirty laundry which is actually looking pretty clean to you right about now), and you take the undies that you cut off and throw those in the garbage too. Then after your daughter is 'all done' you give her a 'sponge bath' in the bathroom (that has no bathtub) for fear that another 'lift & carry' episode will result in a trail of vileness and you just can't 'go there' at the moment. And after the chaos has finally calmed down and each of you are clean (though you swear you can still smell 'it') your daughter will turn to you and say, 'Mommy... are you still mad?'

And that's when you know you've hit the lowest of lows in Natural Consequences.

Tomorrow Claire - we're just going to take it easy.
And I'll let you have any color you want - even if you don't go pee-pee in the potty.


carterclan said...

OMG I swear this is the funniest stuff I have EVER read in my life!!! Im still laughing...and Im alone in the room!
I hope it gets better!
FYI What worked for Kennedy was a trip every 30 mins (microwave timer) and a frosted Cheerio everytime she was successful!
Logan was a breeze...

Tracie said...

That is so classic!!! Someday you'll look back and laugh... especially when you read this post!!!

Tracie (from the BB)

Sandhya said...

So SORRY! WHat a mess! It will soon be over and you'll forget it ever happened....or you may think that you can still smell the stench every once in a while!

K.C. said...

Get the Gerber training underwear (the padded/kinda like a cloth diaper ones) they come in small sizes, even 18 months. Use the steam a seam iron on fusible web stuff and applique them up with whatever Claire wants.

I feel your pain. I'm also laughing so hard I'm crying.

breehester said...

I think that I just pooped in my pants from reading that.... hysterical! Your pictures are getting good!!

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