Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Countdown to Korea: The Last Day

today was crazy productive.

I ran errands, finished packing, and even
left before 'scheduled'. 

There was hardly any traffic going into San Francisco
and we found our hotel without any hitches 
(except when we got lost for a minute)

Mary Leigh arrived safe and sound
and is now hopefully dreaming away after a long day of traveling.

I, on the other hand, am wide awake.

While mentally, I would say I'm excited,
if I'm being honest, I would say my heart hasn't caught up yet.

To help myself 'cope' with the 'wait' during this crazy process of adoption, 
I kind of 'separated' myself. I was super busy, and was just focusing on 
raising funds, finishing my orders, and hoping
 that Charlie was gaining weight in Korea. 

And now the time has officially come for me to leave. 

I think I'm in denial over what is about to happen. 
The thought of me going to Korea is so foreign in so many ways
(no pun intended)
so it just feels really 'un-real'. 

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to have a son, 
to have Charlie home, and begin our lives as a family of four.
But it's like we've been talking about it for so long, 
that it almost felt like it was never going to happen. 

And truthfully, I'm scared.

Ohhhh am I so scared. Borderline terrified.

I remember feeling this way when we were just about to
get Claire. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and was nervous
that somehow I was going to screw something up. Or worse yet, 
maybe I wasn't up for the challenge. 

But we survived.
Claire survived.
So that has to mean Charlie will too... right?

I'm pretty sure I'll be a crying mess during this trip. 
I'll probably freak out a time or two. 

But I'm super grateful that I'm able to go. 
To be able to thank the woman who cared for my son 
when his life had such a rough start - that will
be pretty incredible for me. 

I'm realizing that this post is all over the place. 
But I guess that's just where I'm 'at' right now. 

At 2pm (PST) on Tuesday, Oct 12th
I'll be leaving on a crazy and amazing trip
and I hope to share it with you all.


Leah said...

R- Your post means so much! My sentiments exactly! We all have so many different kinds of emotions at different times, it hard to sort through all of them sometimes. I've done exactly what you've done, kind of set my emotions aside sometimes, stayed busy, and tried to focus on other things. You are an awesome mamma, and you all are so lucky to have each other! Your day is almost here, deal with all you can and save the rest for later! Congrats mamma of two! :)

scatterbrainliz said...

I hope you and your friend, ML have a smooth flight and all goes well in South Korea!

I understand how you're feeling as it'll be the same when our TC happens next year.

Soak everything SK has to offer and I hope when you meet Charlie, he knows your his momma.

Safe travel wishes!

ksmiles11 said...

Love you so much Rachel...I'll be following every step that you share and will be praying for you :) so sad I can't be there with you in this journey...I just can't say it enough...I love you love you love you...so proud of you....you've worked hard to bring Charlie home and by this time next week he will be!!! It's so amazing!!!

Sunnymama said...

Rachel, have a fabulous time! Congrats!

JimandJackie said...

It is good that you have some anxiety, I did too and it helped me with whatever was to come. Just be in the moment (I know, yeah right) I constantly relive those precious moments in Korea (although they felt like crazy panic attacks...haha) I cannot wait to see your darling boy! oh, and find a way to SLEEP on the plane.

lizvedvik said...

I totally understand your fear and sense of reality that things are finally happening. I think with IA you wait so long, you have to protect yourself a little so you dont go crazy. But, now you can relax, your boy is waiting and will soon be in your arms. Have a safe flight and try to get some sleep, you never know the next time you will;)

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